[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.