[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity