So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring