@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Just this preview of the story is enough
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.