cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.