Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
SPLOOT
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email