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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.