It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
You Might Also Like
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
The best shot in the history of golf
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*aggressively waits in line*
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.