I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.