in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.