I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
buying dead houseplants to save time
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down