Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]