The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.