Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.