What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!