Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]