This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat