I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed