I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”