I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter