Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon