I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die