I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Match dot com, but for socks.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house