Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children