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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.