Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.