angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what