*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?