customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable