angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
who called it hell and not heaven’t
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast