[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I am never leaving this website
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
twitter users today:
based al yankovic
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about