student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
haha same
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once