me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
when you don’t want to be too vague
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
cats when you pet them too long:
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins