angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
gentlemen, hear me out
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now