Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.