I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Straight people are cancelled
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house