Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
We’ve all been there…
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science