I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic