i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes