“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.