“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies