YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
The smoothest fall of all time
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.