@c12h22o11balls

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

@c12h22o11balls

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

@c12h22o11balls

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

@c12h22o11balls

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

@c12h22o11balls

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@c12h22o11balls

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

@c12h22o11balls

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

@c12h22o11balls

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns