@c12h22o11balls: [4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I'm doing, Karen
@c12h22o11balls: In Canada, elevators only come with a 'hold door open' button and a 'hold door open longer' button
@c12h22o11balls: Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
@c12h22o11balls: The first rule of kite club is that we don't talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
@c12h22o11balls: Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
@c12h22o11balls: [MURDER SCENE]
ME: It's a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
@c12h22o11balls: Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
@c12h22o11balls: Right now in some universe somewhere, there's a group of butterflies smoking weed and discussing the human effect
@c12h22o11balls: Dad: It's atomic number is 26. Oh, and it's chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it's in my blood