Funny Tweeter

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Page of c12h22o11balls's best tweets

@c12h22o11balls : Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

@c12h22o11balls: Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

@c12h22o11balls: People say they're gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming's "not that big of a deal" and "you're not welcome here"

@c12h22o11balls: Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

@c12h22o11balls: Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

@c12h22o11balls: Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I've actually never left North America doc

@c12h22o11balls: [Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

@c12h22o11balls: Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop