Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of c12h22o11balls's best tweets

@c12h22o11balls : Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?

@c12h22o11balls: [4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I'm doing, Karen

@c12h22o11balls: In Canada, elevators only come with a 'hold door open' button and a 'hold door open longer' button

@c12h22o11balls: Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

@c12h22o11balls: The first rule of kite club is that we don't talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

@c12h22o11balls: Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

@c12h22o11balls: [MURDER SCENE]

ME: It's a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

@c12h22o11balls: Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

@c12h22o11balls: Right now in some universe somewhere, there's a group of butterflies smoking weed and discussing the human effect

@c12h22o11balls: Dad: It's atomic number is 26. Oh, and it's chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it's in my blood