One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
You Might Also Like
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Optional boss fight.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck