Denise please return my vape pen
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on