Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@caithuls : HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I'm wearing and also me] thanks
@caithuls: [calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y'all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
@caithuls: [bird watching] when's the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
@caithuls: PROFESSOR: Please don't speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
@caithuls: [meeting a friend's new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
@caithuls: A lot of people don't know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
@caithuls: OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
@caithuls: MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
@caithuls: DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
@caithuls: [trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That's not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY