Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of caithuls's best tweets

@caithuls : HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I'm wearing and also me] thanks

@caithuls: [calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y'all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

@caithuls: [bird watching] when's the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

@caithuls: PROFESSOR: Please don't speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

@caithuls: [meeting a friend's new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

@caithuls: A lot of people don't know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

@caithuls: OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

@caithuls: MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

@caithuls: DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table

@caithuls: [trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That's not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY