[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal