My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
this has to be peak English
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number