You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
got so much cardio in today
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.