Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?