Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords